another month has gone by and i'm not pregnant. there will be no christmas announcement, no summer baby. my luteal phase was only 9 days this month, down from 10 last month (i mistakenly calculated 12 days on my own last month, fertility friend has calculated otherwise). that's not a healthy number. that's the number of a potential deficiency.
i'm putting my books away, my bbt thermometer away, i don't have the energy to read into every temperature shift and cramp in my body. i get my hopes up and it doesn't happen. when i bought a pregnancy test yesterday my husband said i'm too invested and i said i just wanted to be prepared. i know it's only been 3 months of trying, but it's been 4 months since we decided to start trying in july. 123 days of having my brain consumed by all things baby.
now i'm tired of hearing people and their first month success stories. they just make me bitter and resentful. i've given up wine, i've given up caffeine, i've significantly lowered my sugar intake. it took us 6 months to get pregnant when we weren't trying 6 years ago, including a month where i was gone in iowa. and in that time i was partying, eating pizza everyday, and living off of no sleep because i was in college. now that i'm being responsible and careful and doing everything by the book, nothing is happening, not even an early chemical pregnancy.